Below is a letter that I wrote to my loved ones shortly after Kaylee was born. Though this is generally a light-hearted, happy blog, I do feel as though my little girl should be recognized. As it has been nearly 4 months since she was born, and I'm now 5 days away from my due date, I think I'm doing as well and can be expected. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby girl. However, thinking about her now doesn't necessarily make me cry these days. I hope you enjoy the letter and that it relays to you how incredibly blessed I feel I am to have been able to be Kaylee's mom.
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Dearest Friends and Family,
The story I write may be sad and hard for some to read, but I feel as though it must be told for you to truly understand how very blessed my family has been since Kaylee became a part of it. I'm not quite sure where to begin, and I cannot promise to go in any order, but the words you read here are honest and heartfelt. First, let me say that Shawn and I are OK. We are very sad, but we are OK. The reason for this is that we are able to see all the blessings that Kaylee was able to offer us during her very short life.
The day that I was hospitalized, Tuesday, January 17th, was a day filled with denial and a lack of understanding of exactly what was going on. Ultimately, we were told that my placenta had abrupted and my water bag had ruptured. However, Kaylee's little heart was still beating strong. The doctors told us that the safest course of action would be to terminate the pregnancy. We could not fathom how one could end a life that was still so very strong and wanted. Every test they ran on us came back with devastating news and hopeful news - balanced equally. For every negative there was an equal positive... until Wednesday. At some point my beloved Joanne (my midwife) came into the room and talked with us about DIC, a condition I had heard the doctors mention I was at risk for, but had no knowledge of. She sat with us for some time and explained that all of the negatives they were telling us about put me at relatively high risk for developing this DIC and that she felt I needed to know exactly what it is. As with anyone who's getting floods of information thrown at them, I do not remember all the specifics, but what I did hear was that DIC is a bleeding condition that has to do with clotting factors in the blood. Since I had been bleeding for nearly 6 weeks at that point, they were very concerned. Statistically, if I became affected by DIC, there would be an up to 50% chance I would not survive and, if I did survive, there was a great chance I would have permanent disabilities from the DIC and treatment.
Taking out the emotional factor, the choice would seem simple, but again, how do you end the life of your child to save your own? Any parent would lay down their life in a heartbeat for their children. However, if you're given more than a heartbeat to think about it, you realize that, as a parent, your life is not your own to give. I am not just one person. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc... Who am I to end the life of the person that so many people love for that of one I love so much? And if I were to continue with the pregnancy, would that be fair to Kaylee? The chances of her staying in my womb long enough to not have major disabilities was so poor, yet not impossible... and the risks to her for being without amniotic fluid were also there. Would Kaylee want to be born into a broken body? Again, how do parents decide? And, if we were to end her life, would we be able to live with ourselves for doing so? The doctors said to us on multiple occasions that they had never, in all their careers, seen two people in a more difficult position. If they were wrong, and a more difficult position ever existed, I cannot imagine.
We prayed with everything we had in us and everyone who would join us to allow us to not have to make this horrible decision. We spent 4 days agonizing over what to do while listening to the steady thump of our daughter's heart. I literally feel as though we were in hell for those 4 days.
On Friday, January 20, 2012, God answered all our prayers and rescued us from the hell we were in. At approximately 2:00 in the afternoon I felt what I thought was a contraction. By 3:30, the contractions where quite regular and my midwife was able to confirm that I had gone into labor naturally. Kaylee Noel was born at 9:18 p.m. on January 20, 2012. While her heart had been beating early that day, by the time she was born, it had stopped. I am grateful that we had the strength, faith and patience to await His decision instead of taking actions we would have never forgiven ourselves for. After Kaylee's birth, we were able to find out exactly what she was up against medically and know in our hearts that, had the pregnancy continued, Kaylee would not have had any real quality of life. There is no question that we did not do every single thing we possibly could have to give our daughter the best chance she had, it simply was not meant to be.
In the days after Kaylee's passing, Shawn and I have become so enlightened. Our daughter may have only lived for 22 weeks and 6 days, but she taught us more in that short life then we could have learned living the rest of our lives without having known her. She was a fighter and held on long enough to allow us the opportunity to get all the medical answers we needed to avoid all of the "what if" questions. We discovered how deep our faith truly runs in God and in each other. We witnessed first-hand how loved and supported we are by those around us. We learned what it is like to become the parents of an Angel and feel blessed to know that she is watching over us. Though we are in pain, we would not give up a moment of the time we spent with Kaylee. We are very proud of our little girl, as she had the strength to give her life to save her mommy's because, in the end, that is what Shawn, Nick, Evan and the rest of our family needed. As I've said before, Kayle's little body was simply too tiny to hold her enormous spirit.
While I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes, I ask that we all go on living our lives in search of happiness - that is what Kaylee would want for us all. Some tragedies pull families apart, Kaylee has made us closer and stronger than ever. How could you not be grateful for such a gift? I will not lie and pretend that all is right in my world. My belly and my arms feel empty, but my heart is so full it helps to overcome the physical emptiness that Kaylee left behind. While I have cried many sad and pain-filled tears over the past 2 weeks, I have also cried tears of love and gratitude. I do not know if it was facing the prospect of my own death, or simply surviving the loss of my daughter, but I really do have a whole new outlook on life. I am blessed in all that I have and pray that I never again take a single moment for granted. People often ask if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can answer, without a single doubt that yes, it is far better to have had the chance to love at all.
I love you all and thank you for all the prayers, good wishes and sympathy. It is healing and very much appreciated. I've been told to let everyone know if I needed anything. I cannot speak to the days and weeks ahead, but for now, I have all that I need. I promise to reach out if there is anything more anyone can do for us. In the meantime, please honor my daughter by living a joyous life filled with love, faith and peace as these are the gifts she was able to give to us during her lifetime with us.
~Jessica
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