I will admit that I was concerned about how I would feel this mother's day given that it fell on the weekend before my expected due date. I feared that I would focus on what I've recently lost instead of focusing on the fact that I'm lucky enough to still have my own mother here and I'm blessed to have two healthy, beautiful children. I decided that I was going to do my best to focus on the later of the two. I believe I was successful in doing so.
My family spent this past weekend up in the Poconos where we recently purchased a parcel of land on which we keep a travel trailer and plan to spend as much time as possible. I was relieved to find out that my parents, who also own land in the same community (I will admit, they were there first, I followed them there) were also planning on being there this weekend so I could spend mother's day with my children and my mom. I really am spoiled!
The game plan was to have brunch together at our place. Mom pre-made a casserole type dish and said she would also bring over fruit and pastries. Sounded like a wonderful way to spend the morning.
I woke up that Sunday morning to the sound of relatively little (LARGE) feet running through the trailer towards our bedroom. Then the weight of Nick pouncing on top of me happily screaming, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!" Not more than a minute later Evan joined the still-in-bed party. I was so happy there was no room for remorse.
Mom and Pop came over as planned and we had a fantabulous breakfast. The boys gave me wonderful cards - Evan drew his first ever (to my knowledge) stick figures and they were of me and him. Shawn got me a lovely 'welcome' sign, Evan got me a birdhouse and Nick got me a wind chime - all to decorate the property with. I love them all!
Later in the day Nick and I went for a golf cart ride around the community. It is my habit to always wrap my arm around whichever child is sitting next to me when we're doing this. Nick kept telling me that he didn't need to me hold him. He apparently believes he is now old enough to no longer need his mommy to hold him back from falling. I reluctantly removed my arm. We drove around for a bit and flew down 'Weee Hill' several times. Nick excitedly asked if we could go to the 'fire park' and I agreed to take him. As we pulled up to the park he tells me that we're going to play alien invasion and he's going to be R2D7. Now, I'm all for playing with my kids - I enjoy board games and can go all out for cookie decorating when the mood strikes. However, when it comes to the imagination play, I admit, I am seriously lacking. But, it was mother's day and he was really excited, so I sucked it up and agreed to captain the ship. I'm proud to say that we took proper evasive action to avoid total annihilation. Nick was a brilliant tactical defense expert and I was able to pull him back into the ship when he was sucked out by the lack of gravity in the ship after we took an explosive hit from the aliens.
After we landed the ship we drove the golf cart over to my parents lot to say hi. The road had quite a few pot holes and Nick didn't like how bumpy it was. After we left to head back to our lots, Nick reached up and grabbed my hand, pulled my arm around his shoulders and made me hug him into that niche under my arm where, no matter how big they get, my kids fit perfectly. I asked him why the change of heart about me holding onto him. The conversation goes like this:
Nick - "it makes everything all better."
Me - "I make everything all better? That means I'm doing my job."
Nick - "you and Daddy both, you make things all better."
Me - "Nick, I love your daddy very, very much. He really is a great man. We're lucky to have him."
Nick - "I love you very, very much. And I love Daddy very, very much. And I love Evan very, very much. And I love Mom-Mom very, very much. And I love Pop-Pop very, very much. I love my whole family very, very much."
Me - "yeah, we're pretty lucky. We have a great family."
This is when I looked into that crook in my arm and saw my little baby smiling a giant smile up at me looking perfectly content with his life. Nick is getting way too big way too quickly and I don't get to see that little baby that often anymore. In that moment I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to do.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has ever had the pleasure of mothering children.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Tribute to Kaylee Noel Hamilton - 1/20/12
Below is a letter that I wrote to my loved ones shortly after Kaylee was born. Though this is generally a light-hearted, happy blog, I do feel as though my little girl should be recognized. As it has been nearly 4 months since she was born, and I'm now 5 days away from my due date, I think I'm doing as well and can be expected. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my baby girl. However, thinking about her now doesn't necessarily make me cry these days. I hope you enjoy the letter and that it relays to you how incredibly blessed I feel I am to have been able to be Kaylee's mom.
************************************************************************************
Dearest Friends and Family,
The story I write may be sad and hard for some to read, but I feel as though it must be told for you to truly understand how very blessed my family has been since Kaylee became a part of it. I'm not quite sure where to begin, and I cannot promise to go in any order, but the words you read here are honest and heartfelt. First, let me say that Shawn and I are OK. We are very sad, but we are OK. The reason for this is that we are able to see all the blessings that Kaylee was able to offer us during her very short life.
The day that I was hospitalized, Tuesday, January 17th, was a day filled with denial and a lack of understanding of exactly what was going on. Ultimately, we were told that my placenta had abrupted and my water bag had ruptured. However, Kaylee's little heart was still beating strong. The doctors told us that the safest course of action would be to terminate the pregnancy. We could not fathom how one could end a life that was still so very strong and wanted. Every test they ran on us came back with devastating news and hopeful news - balanced equally. For every negative there was an equal positive... until Wednesday. At some point my beloved Joanne (my midwife) came into the room and talked with us about DIC, a condition I had heard the doctors mention I was at risk for, but had no knowledge of. She sat with us for some time and explained that all of the negatives they were telling us about put me at relatively high risk for developing this DIC and that she felt I needed to know exactly what it is. As with anyone who's getting floods of information thrown at them, I do not remember all the specifics, but what I did hear was that DIC is a bleeding condition that has to do with clotting factors in the blood. Since I had been bleeding for nearly 6 weeks at that point, they were very concerned. Statistically, if I became affected by DIC, there would be an up to 50% chance I would not survive and, if I did survive, there was a great chance I would have permanent disabilities from the DIC and treatment.
Taking out the emotional factor, the choice would seem simple, but again, how do you end the life of your child to save your own? Any parent would lay down their life in a heartbeat for their children. However, if you're given more than a heartbeat to think about it, you realize that, as a parent, your life is not your own to give. I am not just one person. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc... Who am I to end the life of the person that so many people love for that of one I love so much? And if I were to continue with the pregnancy, would that be fair to Kaylee? The chances of her staying in my womb long enough to not have major disabilities was so poor, yet not impossible... and the risks to her for being without amniotic fluid were also there. Would Kaylee want to be born into a broken body? Again, how do parents decide? And, if we were to end her life, would we be able to live with ourselves for doing so? The doctors said to us on multiple occasions that they had never, in all their careers, seen two people in a more difficult position. If they were wrong, and a more difficult position ever existed, I cannot imagine.
We prayed with everything we had in us and everyone who would join us to allow us to not have to make this horrible decision. We spent 4 days agonizing over what to do while listening to the steady thump of our daughter's heart. I literally feel as though we were in hell for those 4 days.
On Friday, January 20, 2012, God answered all our prayers and rescued us from the hell we were in. At approximately 2:00 in the afternoon I felt what I thought was a contraction. By 3:30, the contractions where quite regular and my midwife was able to confirm that I had gone into labor naturally. Kaylee Noel was born at 9:18 p.m. on January 20, 2012. While her heart had been beating early that day, by the time she was born, it had stopped. I am grateful that we had the strength, faith and patience to await His decision instead of taking actions we would have never forgiven ourselves for. After Kaylee's birth, we were able to find out exactly what she was up against medically and know in our hearts that, had the pregnancy continued, Kaylee would not have had any real quality of life. There is no question that we did not do every single thing we possibly could have to give our daughter the best chance she had, it simply was not meant to be.
In the days after Kaylee's passing, Shawn and I have become so enlightened. Our daughter may have only lived for 22 weeks and 6 days, but she taught us more in that short life then we could have learned living the rest of our lives without having known her. She was a fighter and held on long enough to allow us the opportunity to get all the medical answers we needed to avoid all of the "what if" questions. We discovered how deep our faith truly runs in God and in each other. We witnessed first-hand how loved and supported we are by those around us. We learned what it is like to become the parents of an Angel and feel blessed to know that she is watching over us. Though we are in pain, we would not give up a moment of the time we spent with Kaylee. We are very proud of our little girl, as she had the strength to give her life to save her mommy's because, in the end, that is what Shawn, Nick, Evan and the rest of our family needed. As I've said before, Kayle's little body was simply too tiny to hold her enormous spirit.
While I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes, I ask that we all go on living our lives in search of happiness - that is what Kaylee would want for us all. Some tragedies pull families apart, Kaylee has made us closer and stronger than ever. How could you not be grateful for such a gift? I will not lie and pretend that all is right in my world. My belly and my arms feel empty, but my heart is so full it helps to overcome the physical emptiness that Kaylee left behind. While I have cried many sad and pain-filled tears over the past 2 weeks, I have also cried tears of love and gratitude. I do not know if it was facing the prospect of my own death, or simply surviving the loss of my daughter, but I really do have a whole new outlook on life. I am blessed in all that I have and pray that I never again take a single moment for granted. People often ask if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can answer, without a single doubt that yes, it is far better to have had the chance to love at all.
I love you all and thank you for all the prayers, good wishes and sympathy. It is healing and very much appreciated. I've been told to let everyone know if I needed anything. I cannot speak to the days and weeks ahead, but for now, I have all that I need. I promise to reach out if there is anything more anyone can do for us. In the meantime, please honor my daughter by living a joyous life filled with love, faith and peace as these are the gifts she was able to give to us during her lifetime with us.
~Jessica
************************************************************************************
Dearest Friends and Family,
The story I write may be sad and hard for some to read, but I feel as though it must be told for you to truly understand how very blessed my family has been since Kaylee became a part of it. I'm not quite sure where to begin, and I cannot promise to go in any order, but the words you read here are honest and heartfelt. First, let me say that Shawn and I are OK. We are very sad, but we are OK. The reason for this is that we are able to see all the blessings that Kaylee was able to offer us during her very short life.
The day that I was hospitalized, Tuesday, January 17th, was a day filled with denial and a lack of understanding of exactly what was going on. Ultimately, we were told that my placenta had abrupted and my water bag had ruptured. However, Kaylee's little heart was still beating strong. The doctors told us that the safest course of action would be to terminate the pregnancy. We could not fathom how one could end a life that was still so very strong and wanted. Every test they ran on us came back with devastating news and hopeful news - balanced equally. For every negative there was an equal positive... until Wednesday. At some point my beloved Joanne (my midwife) came into the room and talked with us about DIC, a condition I had heard the doctors mention I was at risk for, but had no knowledge of. She sat with us for some time and explained that all of the negatives they were telling us about put me at relatively high risk for developing this DIC and that she felt I needed to know exactly what it is. As with anyone who's getting floods of information thrown at them, I do not remember all the specifics, but what I did hear was that DIC is a bleeding condition that has to do with clotting factors in the blood. Since I had been bleeding for nearly 6 weeks at that point, they were very concerned. Statistically, if I became affected by DIC, there would be an up to 50% chance I would not survive and, if I did survive, there was a great chance I would have permanent disabilities from the DIC and treatment.
Taking out the emotional factor, the choice would seem simple, but again, how do you end the life of your child to save your own? Any parent would lay down their life in a heartbeat for their children. However, if you're given more than a heartbeat to think about it, you realize that, as a parent, your life is not your own to give. I am not just one person. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc... Who am I to end the life of the person that so many people love for that of one I love so much? And if I were to continue with the pregnancy, would that be fair to Kaylee? The chances of her staying in my womb long enough to not have major disabilities was so poor, yet not impossible... and the risks to her for being without amniotic fluid were also there. Would Kaylee want to be born into a broken body? Again, how do parents decide? And, if we were to end her life, would we be able to live with ourselves for doing so? The doctors said to us on multiple occasions that they had never, in all their careers, seen two people in a more difficult position. If they were wrong, and a more difficult position ever existed, I cannot imagine.
We prayed with everything we had in us and everyone who would join us to allow us to not have to make this horrible decision. We spent 4 days agonizing over what to do while listening to the steady thump of our daughter's heart. I literally feel as though we were in hell for those 4 days.
On Friday, January 20, 2012, God answered all our prayers and rescued us from the hell we were in. At approximately 2:00 in the afternoon I felt what I thought was a contraction. By 3:30, the contractions where quite regular and my midwife was able to confirm that I had gone into labor naturally. Kaylee Noel was born at 9:18 p.m. on January 20, 2012. While her heart had been beating early that day, by the time she was born, it had stopped. I am grateful that we had the strength, faith and patience to await His decision instead of taking actions we would have never forgiven ourselves for. After Kaylee's birth, we were able to find out exactly what she was up against medically and know in our hearts that, had the pregnancy continued, Kaylee would not have had any real quality of life. There is no question that we did not do every single thing we possibly could have to give our daughter the best chance she had, it simply was not meant to be.
In the days after Kaylee's passing, Shawn and I have become so enlightened. Our daughter may have only lived for 22 weeks and 6 days, but she taught us more in that short life then we could have learned living the rest of our lives without having known her. She was a fighter and held on long enough to allow us the opportunity to get all the medical answers we needed to avoid all of the "what if" questions. We discovered how deep our faith truly runs in God and in each other. We witnessed first-hand how loved and supported we are by those around us. We learned what it is like to become the parents of an Angel and feel blessed to know that she is watching over us. Though we are in pain, we would not give up a moment of the time we spent with Kaylee. We are very proud of our little girl, as she had the strength to give her life to save her mommy's because, in the end, that is what Shawn, Nick, Evan and the rest of our family needed. As I've said before, Kayle's little body was simply too tiny to hold her enormous spirit.
While I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes, I ask that we all go on living our lives in search of happiness - that is what Kaylee would want for us all. Some tragedies pull families apart, Kaylee has made us closer and stronger than ever. How could you not be grateful for such a gift? I will not lie and pretend that all is right in my world. My belly and my arms feel empty, but my heart is so full it helps to overcome the physical emptiness that Kaylee left behind. While I have cried many sad and pain-filled tears over the past 2 weeks, I have also cried tears of love and gratitude. I do not know if it was facing the prospect of my own death, or simply surviving the loss of my daughter, but I really do have a whole new outlook on life. I am blessed in all that I have and pray that I never again take a single moment for granted. People often ask if it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I can answer, without a single doubt that yes, it is far better to have had the chance to love at all.
I love you all and thank you for all the prayers, good wishes and sympathy. It is healing and very much appreciated. I've been told to let everyone know if I needed anything. I cannot speak to the days and weeks ahead, but for now, I have all that I need. I promise to reach out if there is anything more anyone can do for us. In the meantime, please honor my daughter by living a joyous life filled with love, faith and peace as these are the gifts she was able to give to us during her lifetime with us.
~Jessica
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