His Loss... is my gain?

Being out of town Shawn has missed out on a few family 'moments' that I would like to memorialize for him. I will list them in the order in which they happened so that he (and you) can feel as though he experienced them with us as he reads through this post.

Tuesday

There were only really 2 things that happened on Tuesday that I feel are post-worthy. First, after school the boys and I were hanging out in our living room with Mom-Mom, who was gracious enough to come home from the mountains early (she claims for Pop-Pop's chiropractor appointment, but I believe it was really to help me with the boys), blowing bubbles and having a grand old time. When I put the bubbles away Evan protested the way that Evan typically does. He threw a temper tantrum. This was a minor tantrum, maybe a .5 on the Evan- Richter scale. I did as advised in every parenting article I've ever read - I ignored him. He sat on the floor giving me his best Undertaker impersonation saying "Bu Ba, Bu Ba" over and over again. I believe this is his way of saying bubble. After a couple minutes, I pay more attention to his 'tantrum' and notice that he's no longer looking like the Undertaker, but more like someone who's quite uncomfortable. He's sitting on the floor, grabbing his own crotch, and now I recognize that he's saying "Ba Ba, Ba Ba", which is his word for potty (don't ask me why, I have no idea). I'm thinking that there's no way he's telling me he has to go potty, but what the hell, let's give it a go. I grab the training potty that's in the living room, remove his pants but keep the diaper on (remember, this boy's had a terrible stomach virus, there's no telling when what might come out of where on him) and plop him on the potty. His facial expression changes to one of relief when he lets out an audible, horrific-smelling fart! Now, as an adult I sometimes fear that a simple fart may not be just a simple fart, so I can totally understand why my toddler could have been confused by the sensation. I'm just beyond excited that he had his wits about him enough to know to tell me he had to go 'ba ba' and waited until he was on the potty to do so. I will admit, as happy as I am that he's making progress towards potty training, I'm very relieved that he was content to go in his diaper when he finally did more than fart - it was horrendous!

After Evan was safely tucked into bed, it was time for me to get Nick ready for bed too. This is normally Shawn's job, so things are drawn out for Mommy because she doesn't know the routine as well as Daddy. I take him up to go potty, eat his vitamin, brush his teeth and get into bed. We then call Daddy so that he can read Nick 'Chicka Chicka Boom Boom' over the phone. They chat for a couple of minutes and then disconnect. I'm thinking this is going really smoothly until I notice the tears slowly streaming down Nick's cheek. You can tell he's trying to not cry, but the salty drops are betraying him. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me that he's upset because "he loves Daddy so much that he wishes he could be there next to him". I tell him that Daddy misses him too and that he'll be home in just a couple of days. Nick then tells me that if he misses Daddy this much now, it'll be so much worse when Daddy dies. WTF? Why is my 4-year-old thinking about his Daddy's death?!?!?! I tried to tell him that Mommy and Daddy will do everything they can to live for a very long time, that we both want to see him and his brother grow up and have children of their own and maybe even get to see his children have children. After a brief aside where Nick explained to me that he and Evan cannot 'have' children of their own because they're both boys (I swear, he did tell me that), he reiterated how sad he will be when either of us dies and that he wishes we could live forever. I told him that we can only live as long as our bodies will last us. I also told him that Mommy believes that, after she dies, her soul will be waiting for him in Heaven and that we'll meet up again. Of course this lead to a line of questioning about what a soul is. Trying to keep in mind that I'm talking to a 4-year-old, I tell him that a person's soul is the part of them that makes them who they are on the inside. He then confirms, "so the soul is the part that God puts into the baby when it's growing in the Mommy's tummy?" Wow, yeah Nick, that's pretty accurate. Where did he learn this stuff from? This, of course, lead into a brief conversation about babies growing in a Mommy's belly, how long they have to live in there for, when they start to be alive (why not ask me which came first, the chicken or the egg, might have been easier to discuss at this point) and what happens if a baby comes out too soon. I realize that he's just trying to delay going to sleep, so I give him the quickest, simplest answers to these questions. As I think we're finished and I'm about to get up and leave the room, he tells me he has one more question, "with Daddy out of town, who's going to protect us if bad guys get into our house?" Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I tell him that no bad guys are going to get into our house, but that if they do, the doggies will bark and scare them off, if that doesn't work, mommy will come in and protect him and his brother. I think it's best to not discuss the pistol I made Shawn leave for me when I thought of the same question that started this very conversation. Nick tells me that he wants me to protect them with Daddy's sword if I have to. I agreed, kiss him goodnight, wonder when he got so smart and leave the room. Moments later he's running downstairs telling me that he's scared still. I go back into his room, tuck him back into bed, hand him his toy sword from the circus and tell him that he can protect us all if he needs to. He smiles, closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

Wednesday
As if I haven't had enough of this by now, I wake up at 1:30 in the morning to Evan crying. I get up and go into his room. Out of habit after 5 days of virus in our home, I take him directly into the bathroom. Seconds after I get into the bathroom, Evan pukes all over my right shoulder, the floor, the bathmat that I just put back after washing it from the last time it got puked on, the towels and even the door. Ugh, this time I don't have Shawn to pass him off to. I clean him up, get him back to sleep and put him back into his crib. Clean myself up; change my clothes; pile the dirty clothes, bathmat and towels in the tub for laundering tomorrow; scrub the bathroom floor, hallway carpet and door and finally climb back into bed. It's now nearly 2:30 a.m. and I'm exhausted. I then lay in bed wondering what the chances are of someone breaking into the house and me getting the pistol and both kids into Nick's room where the escape ladder is stored and how likely it would be that I would need to shoot a burglar in front of my kids. Thanks Nick, I didn't need to think of such things while laying in bed alone.

Luckily, the day was pretty non-eventful, but I had another notable bed-time routine with Nick. We did the bathroom stuff without incident, talked to Daddy and had him read us out story and hung up without tears. The conversation tonight after hanging up with Daddy was much more positive than the previous night. Before I leave the room, I tell Nick that it's time for us to say our prayers. We recite 'Now I lay me' and I kiss Nick goodnight. He then tells me that he wants to say another prayer. I tell him to go ahead. I'm curious because I'm not aware of any other prayers he knows. He then simply says, "Thank you God for all the beautiful seasons. Your turn Mommy". I respond in turn, "Thank you God for my beautiful family". He continues to thank God for things he is thankful for and finishes with "Thank you God for loving us". I silently thank God for giving me such a wonderful son and ask that He help me to not screw him up too badly in my attempt at raising him.

Shawn is expected home in roughly 24-hours. I'm grateful that 8 of those hours will go by quickly because I'm swamped at work making up for 3 days of absence. I cannot wait to be woken up by the movement I'll feel as he sneaks into bed tomorrow night and just feel secure again knowing that my soul mate is back where he belongs - by my side.